Dignity in motherhood can be hard to find. I clearly remember leaving a well-baby check-up for my fairly small baby daughter with myself covered in that mustard-brown baby poop of a nursing baby. Of course, she was in a new diaper and a fresh set of clothes because I had brought those with us, but I had not brought myself a second set of clothes, foolishly not anticipating the possibility of that level of a blow-out.
But, according to scientists who study motherhood, that day when I took my baby to the doctor, I was likely participating in a whole host of complex mothering behaviors, not the least of which involved my willingness to be covered in baby poo. Just by making the appointment and showing up, I was using time and resources to ensure my baby was healthy. I was soothing her in the presence of strangers, holding her (probably with my left arm), kissing her, comforting her after her shot, and nursing her when she was hungry. I was able to pick up on her cues and respond accordingly. Evidently, my brain had been growing and changing to help me navigate that doctor’s appointment.
I just finished the fascinating Mom Genes: Inside the New Science of Our Ancient Maternal Instinct by Abigail Tucker, and it was just chock-full of ways that the maternal brain changes to respond to children. Primed by pregnancy, but fueled by interactions with infants themselves (dads and adoptive moms develop many of the same things), it turns out that all sorts of fascinating things are happening within mothers to help them care for their babies.
Like one of my very favorite books on motherhood, What Mothers Do Especially When It Looks Like Nothing by Naomi Stadlen, Abigail Tucker’s book helped me to see my ordinary day-to-day caring for babies through a scientific lens that helped me value my own work as a mom.
Overall, I think that I have a pretty high view of maternal work. Probably a good part of that is my positive relationship with my mother (according to Tucker that is a big predictor of how I feel about motherhood in general). Here’s a picture of us the summer of 1985 and then Lily in the same outfit the summer of 2018:
My mom worked part-time on and off through my brother’s little years, relying mainly on my paternal grandmother for childcare along with a few hours at a sweet preschool a few mornings a week. Later, my parents did a lot of co-parenting, with my dad working from home as a graphic designer and then in high school my mother went back to school to be a counselor. My mom and I often got up early to study together.
Another big piece for me is that for over three years before I became a mother myself, I was a full-time nanny and got paid to care for toddlers and babies. I have always thought that being paid for mothering work gave me an appreciation for the value of the work that I did in caring for my own children. And from the book I just read, it also seems that child care (along with my middle school babysitting days) really did prime my brain to respond to baby cries.
Then of course there is the way that Evan and I, through a combination of choice and privilege, have set me up to be home with our children, writing during naptimes or early mornings as I can, and not having to contribute to the family budget at all (other than of course, Evan pointed out, not having to pay for child care, which is a BIG cost for a lot of folks we know).
Still, even with all that, it can be easy to downplay what I do all day. It’s helpful to have someone remind me of just what exactly it is I’m doing in a new way, and I can point to a handful of books that have been a real source of encouragement to me throughout the journey. I thought I’d list them, and I hope they might encourage other mothers to value the unpaid work that they provide, day in and day out, to their little charges and their families.
1. The Wonder of the Female Body: Taking Charge of Your Fertility: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health by Toni Weschler. For over 25 years this book has been introducing people to the wonders and complexities of the female menstrual cycle. I read this long before I became a mother, and it made me appreciate the science of fertility and conception immensely. Your body does a lot of awesome things every month. (There is also a version geared more to teens called Cycle Savvy: The Smart Teen’s Guide to the Mysteries of Her Body)
2. The Complexities of Pregnancy and Birth: A Good Birth: Finding the Positive and Profound in Your Childbirth Experience by Anne Lyerly. I had a small obsession with reading birth books and this one was one of my favorites, exploring the author’s qualitative study of birth experiences and giving social science analysis to the wide ranging U.S. birth experiences. (I also loved The Mama Natural Week-by-Week Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth and Magical Beginnings, Enchanted Lives by Deepak Chopra M.D. as generally awesome pregnancy books.)
3. The Work of Early Motherhood: What Mothers Do Especially When It Looks Like Nothing by Naomi Stadlen. Psychotherapist and longtime-mother group facilitator Naomi Stadlen explains all the work that really is going on from a social science point of view as mothers engage with their children. This is one of my very favorite books about motherhood. Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters by Erica Komisar made some similar points but had a slightly different bent, trying to convince mothers to stay home (or at least some of the time) during the three years, and I thought it was a little less encouraging in tone than Naomi Stadlen’s book.
4. The Role of Mothers in the Development of Babies’ Brains: Brain Rules for Baby : How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five by John Medina. Obviously slightly more focused on the baby, this book still had plenty to say about motherhood and the brain science that shows how important an attuned caregiver is. The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson picks up where this one leaves off, and again parents play a big role in helping older children’s brains develop.
5. The Fascinating Science of Motherhood: Mom Genes: Inside the New Science of Our Ancient Maternal Instinct by Abigail Tucker. From neurons to nursing, mothers’ brains and bodies are explored in this part popular science part memoir. Looking at mammalian studies of rats and monkeys, 19th century family portraits, and contemporary ongoing studies of pregnant and new mothers, this book takes “ordinary” mothering behavior and shows that it is complex and extraordinary. One of my favorite reads of the year so far.
6. The History of Undervaluing Women’s Work: Ale, Beer, and Brewsters in England: Women’s Work in a Changing World, 1300-1600 by Judith M. Bennett. This is one of my favorite books from graduate school about how brewing ale in England was mainly a female job because ale couldn’t keep very long, so women made bread and ale out of their homes and sold it to their neighbors. Then longer lasting beer with hops from the Low Countries arrived and male brewers learned that recipe, and then female brewers got paid less and pushed out of the trade. And while it doesn’t say much of anything about motherhood, the very fact that women are doing it close to home makes it not that hard to draw some conclusions.
7. The Spiritual Work of Pregnancy: Fertile Ground: A Pilgrimage through Pregnancy by Laura S. Jansson. Of course, using scientific studies and labels is only one way of explaining what a mother is doing and why it matters. Personal stories and memoirs can be just as compelling, often weaving in the theological and spiritual aspects of the work of motherhood along with a few amazing scientific reflections on the miracle of pregnancy and birth as well. I think this is one of the very best books that captures the wonder of motherhood (My other favorite spiritual memoir of motherhood is Great with Child: On Becoming A Mother by Debra Rienstra).
Are there any books I missed that have helped you see the dignity and value of the work of motherhood?
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